also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
