So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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