alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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