Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
