I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
