Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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