Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
