I molested 6 butterflies tonight
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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