i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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