3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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