Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize