what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
