So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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