I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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