You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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