Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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