I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
