It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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