i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
