I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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