having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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