I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
bring money and cleavage
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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