i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
