i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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