i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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