Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Vodka?
Forever.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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