So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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