now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
