Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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