i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He passed out mid-signature
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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