It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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