I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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