I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
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Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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