Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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