Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think my fart just growled at me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
