Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
