I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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