Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
