On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
