My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
