i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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