census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
