Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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