Your dad touched me again.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
