I accidentally had phone sex last night
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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