I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The chlamydia really affected his face.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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