They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
