2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
