You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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