Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
