my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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