Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
