I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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