tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
