You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
