Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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