ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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