I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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